The Velvet Hammer

Hi honeys,

The reason I titled this the way I did was because I only had one foggy memory of the start of it and no memory of the event at all...

To understand the why of it happening at all a little background. I was an abused child. My mother hated me all my life and I did not know why until my father told me at 17 but by then it was too late. She hit me a lot. She used weapons of punishment. She verbally tormented me. She threw away my favorite things. She would lock me in my room. I finally fought back. She kept hitting me - at about 15 and I started picking up jars of things on the kitchen table and smashed them against the kitchen wall.In the end I was severely bruised, she was crying and there was broken glass EVERYWHERE.

My sister was allowed to hit me and I was not allowed to respond. So once when she kept lashing my with the wooden handles of her jump rope, I grabbed the rope and tied her to a pole in the basement. I was beaten so badly for that I had what I know now was my first psychotic break. She started hurting me severely and I knew I couldn't defend myself and so I locked myself in the bathroom and proceeded to tear at the tops of my hands until there was no skin left. The pain of those scabs was more horrible. (Unfortunately, this behavior has returned to the pain in my feet from black mold. I have gone back to tearing at my feet. So I am partly responsible for the lack of healing. I think I am angry that I have not had medical benefits for 5 years. Or dental and I really need to have my remaining teeth (1/2 the set taken out....my teeth were lost because there was no fluoride in the water and because my first husband (English and Scorpio) smacked me upside of the head so hard during an argument that he fragmented a major molar root on the right side of my face. Sadly, after 20 years of extensive dental saving attempts - when I had or could afford dental - missed the root problem and by the time it became completely infected, an oral surgeon had to remove it and actually asked if he could keep it because he had never seen anything like it. I told you I am a mutant and my body always tries to do impossible things... )

So....

My one foggy memory is this.... Mickey, my second and last husband (the doctors tell us I will be a widow by 60) whom I love more than my own life, well we had a very heated argument about something. In Chinese astrology he is a Tiger and I am a dragon - always fighting in Chinese art...
At some point I got scared and it started hitting childhood buttons. I felt myself start to panic and I started to withdraw....I saw Mickey on the phone and then our neighbors walked in and I became even more threatened and frighted. And then my mind passed out. I have no further memory.

Here is what Mickey told me - 17 years later - after my panic I with drew to the corner of the rooms and started crying and wailing. He tried to calm me but it only made it worse. He called our old friends and neighbors who live across the street. Once they came in I started babbling incoherently and did not know my own name. He says that I was terrified all the way through it (I still don't like him) but that Ann gave me tea tree oil and talked in the soothing (retired teacher) and I started to consider that A... might be my name. But I wasn't speaking in English words. More like Martian. LOL

After a while, Mickey came over to me and looked me straight in the eyes and told me that everything was all right and that he loved me more than his own life. He kept repeating it because I started to actually look back... Finally, I started crying and speaking English to him and he held me and rocked me and gradually I believed and I reached out for him and he held me and rocked me for hours as I kept crying.

But I came back.

Some people have a psychotic break and they never come back. Mickey had a client's secretary who "snapped" and started stamping the same envelope over and over and over until they fired her...

So I am grateful.

But I am also disturbed that some of my current behavior leans that way again. I put that down to extreme stress - my husband having a prognosis of no more than 2 years to live - dead by 61... Also I have a on where I am SAILING to the top with sales because I have very real people skills. I am particularly good with alternative people, disabled people, really sick people, old people and people in very difficult positions. I have been fired countless times for defending a client over boss or company. I am a Buddhist and a humanitarian. I can not abide liars or manipulators or abusive tempers or criminal people. My latest boss is cheating on his wife with my co-worker who is an actual "B". AND they are both lying about it. But I am a borderline genius (tested 145 IQ at Willis-Corroon now Willis Corp. And English owned 3rd largest broker in the world.) The new hire receptionist wants out NOW. She is an Irish natural health nut and masseur/aroma therapist. Her husband just lost his Fed Ex job but she told me (she is psychic off the charts just like me...) but she is going to leave because she overheard their (co-worker and boss) conversation about a client's "bulge" and she was as uncomfortable with that as I am. I am faithful and monogamous.)

Actually, I have a lady boss who has asked me to meet with her and checked with the district manager and discovered that I am the 6th top sales person in the NE/NW region. I am a cross-sell queen! But I am also thinking of leaving insurance because it has become so corrupt and cut throat. So...I you are in (or know someone who does, my international sisters) Cleveland ad you know and ethical boss who will let me work independently (I hate micro managers) I am willing to talk. I am going to leave this ob because of their affair. If the lady offers (on my terms) I will walk out. So I am immediately available. I have worked nearly a yeat (5/2) for abusive cheaters and it is hurting my health. If I could find a way to work at home, that would be my ideal but we have no start up money. I do know some fabulous opportunities but we don't have the deposit... Yet....

I wish you all good health, good times and prosperity. My religion is as the Dalai Lama says, "Kindness." Please be kind. So many people are craving that now. And please help Haiti if you can. Contribute to Doctors Without Borders - they are doing the most good. Oxfam and Save the Children are also good.