Iconoclast

Saturday, June 21, 2008

globeandmail.com: Some are born to endless night

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080620.wmhpeter21/BNStory/mentalhealth/home?cid=al_gam_mostemail

Having been mentally ill since I was age 4, when I first attempted suicide, due to my mother, Michaeline Hicks Maschke, beating me with a steel rod, I can tell you that, from my point of view, Mental Illness has always been "The Invisible Illness". It's not something that can be easily seen, or TREATED.

I have been in and out of therapy almost my entire life, and I am now pushing 60. I finally got fed up with the LIES and the EXCUSES and the CRAP of having PIG doctors push medicine at me that neither worked, or was so dangerous to me, that if I continued taking it, I would suffer horribly.

At one point, at one hospital, here in Cleveland, back in the 1970's a doctor, at one of the larger hospitals in Cleveland, Ohio, was fired, because my father was on the board of trustees, and the doctor was over-medicating me to the point where I was actually DYING for a sold month, and no one knew why.

I have suffered so much at the hands of the medical community, let alone others, that it's just a joke. But, after a life of being abused, I am now fighting for my very life every single day.

I am legally blind in my right eye

I have only 1 lung to breathe on. And it's pulmonary was at about 125% and is now down to about 80% due to various forms of arthritis

I have pinched nerves in my left leg that are broken inside my left hip that was fused when I was operated on in 1968, and thus are inoperable. So I live in constant pain from the nerve damage

BOTH of my nervous systems were cut when they did the operation on me, in 1968. And as a result I live with a constant pain level of between 8 and 9.5, where 10 is DEAD!

[More:]

I have NEVER TAKEN ANY PAIN MEDICATION OTHER THAN ASPIRIN OR ALEVE, OTHER THAN WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL... AND NONE OF THE PAIN MEDICATIONS EVER WORKED... NOT ONCE...

I have been to 5 pain clinics... NONE OF THEM WAS ABLE TO DO ANYTHING... NOT ONE...

I have attempted suicide over 50 times in my life... but due to the number of mental illnesses I suffer with, I have, of course, have never been successful.

I am now so agoraphobic, that I am hardly able to go out at all.

I use the feminine gender to deliver some degree of comfort to my constant pain. The feminine gender that I take on does NOTHING TO RELIEVE ANY OF THE PAIN... BUT...

IT DOES PROVIDE SOME DEGREE OF COMFORT, BOTH PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND PHYSICALLY TO ME WHERE EVERY SINGLE SECOND IS NOTHING BUT PAIN...

AS a result of my having only 1 lung.... NO DOCTOR, WITH ALL THE CRAP THAT THEY CLAIM ARE BRAINS, HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO HEAR WITH THEIR EQUIPMENT THAT I HAVE ONLY 1 LUNG... UNTIL THEY XRAY ME AND FIND THAT I HAVE ONLY 1 LUNG... AND THEN THEY ACT SURPRISED...

But with the 1 lung, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to lie down for more than about 90 minutes... if I do, I end up almost choking... and if I lie flat... which I have NOT done since I was 16, I DIE...

I have NEVER ONCE BEEN ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP SINCE I WAS 15, FEELING THAT I WOULD ACTUALLY WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING... SO EVERY SINGLE MORNING FOR OVER 40 YEARS I HAVE TO GO TO BED AT NIGHT REALIZING THAT I VERY WELL MIGHT NOT WAKE UP... AT ALL...

And as I said... I have NEVER TAKING ANY PAIN MEDICATION AT ALL... AND NO HERBS OF ANY KIND HAVE DELIVERED ANY PAIN RELIEF OR ANY OTHER KIND OF RELIEF AT ALL... SO I DO NOT DO ANYTHING NOW FOR MY PAIN, OTHER THAN PUT UP AND SHUT UP AND KEEP GOING... NO MATTER WHAT...

MY FAMILY IS ALL DEAD... AND MY OWN DAUGHTER HATES ME BECAUSE I AM TRANSGENDERED AND MENTALLY ILL

ALL I HAVE IS MY WIFE... AND THAT'S IT... AND PERHAPS A FEW FRIENDS... NONE OF WHOM LIVE NEAR ME... SO I AM PRETTY MUCH ALONE ALL THE TIME...

I deal with it, by, as I said, putting up and shutting up and just continuing to LIVE...

What I am doing with this blog is NOT about ME... it's about all of you...It's only a matter of time for me... I know this... the doctors first told me that I would not live beyond 43... and when they told me that I told them to go and play with some dead wood...

Then, two years ago, the brainiacs told me that my chances of living beyond 63 were not good because of the level of arthritic damage to my bones, especially my 1 lung... and I SAID..

HEY MAC...WANNA BET... LET'S GO TO THE TRACK...!

Now, it's true... my breathing is a real problem these days... it's not like I'm suffocating... but it's hard... and it gets harder all the time...

I have dropped my weight... I went from 250 to 150 in 8 months... and have kept it there... I stopped eating everything other than peanuts and yogurt... and that's ALL I eat... I stopped drinking caffeinated coffee... I now drink only decaff... and tea... and ginger ale...

And I watch my diet...

and I meditate every single day... and I say the 23rd psalm like over 100 times a day... I say the psalm because when you are battling mental illness ... the ghosts, as I call them, are more dangerous than the physical pains... so I use the 23rd psalm to focus my thoughts on the GOODNESS and MERCY that I have been denying myself all these years...

This blog is a kind of way for me to, in this last fight that I am putting up to keep going, to GIVE BACK to you all...

While most of the people in this world have totally misunderstood my life and the conditions under which I have had to live... I have NEVER thought it was fair for me to deliver the same kind of disregard that they were giving me ... back to them...

I've been to almost 200 funerals in my life... many, if not most, suicides...

With a regular funeral... you are watching the survivors sit there and let their emotions out ... and they have a reason that the departed died... like they got sick ... or they got hit by a car... or some jerk doctor was more concerned with their golf game than they were with healing...

With a suicide you are watching the survivors IMPLODE... literally...

there is no reason for what happened... and you are watching the survivors literally drowning in their own sorrow so badly that, within 18 months, as statistics show, one of them does the same... and takes their own life...

In the United States, every 15 minutes, another child, from 4 to adulthood takes their own life... that's approximately 43,000 people killing themselves every single year...

The medical community has basically failed the mentally ill... they treat us with expediency and denial most of the time... or they lock us up... and shut us down... and nothing is healed... nothing is fixed... we are stopped up and given the "Thorazine Shuffle" to keep us quiet, rather than to treat us... and to help us to find our way home...

This is NOT what we deserve... we deserve better...

I have made my piece with God a long time ago... as I tell people... I'm not sure if "The Old Man" listens to me much anymore... but GOD... the guy never shuts up... lol... Honestly... when you are facing death... God never stops talking... you might not feel He hears you... but you ALWAYS hear HIM...

ALWAYS...

Death is NOT proud... it's not something mysterious...

DEATH is HARD... I died 3 times in 1968... and the last time NO ONE WAS ABLE TO BRING ME BACK... I CAME BACK ON MY OWN...

I came back by YELLING and SCREAMING at God ...

THAT I AM NOT GOING... I'M NOT GOING... I'M NOT GOING... I'M NOT GOING NOW... I'M NOT GOING... I'M NOT GOING... GET IT.... I'M NOT GOING... I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS IF GOD STANDS THERE WITH A MF PITCH FORK... I'M NOT GOING... I'M NOT LEAVING THIS WORLD UNTIL I HAVE FINISHED WHAT IT IS THAT I AM HERE TO DO... I'M NOT GOING... AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO ALLOW ANYTHING TO RUN ME... NOTHING RUNS ME... NOTHING OTHER THAN WHAT MADE ME... AND NO HUMAN MADE ME...

GOD MADE ME... SO I'M NOT GOING... I'M GOING TO FINISH WHAT I STARTED... NO MATTER WHAT... I'M GOING TO FINISH...

My greatest hero, other than my Ma, who died giving birth to me, is Don Quixote de La Mancha... For they called him NUTS too... and yet, he kept going... no matter what...

though his arms were too weary... he kept going...

"... on thy knees to me my lady! Tis unseemly...! for Wat Matter wounds to the body of a KNIGHT ERRANT... for each time he falls ... he shall rise and rise again... "...

me TOO... get it... ME TOO!

I always laugh when I tell people I'm NUTS... for I always say... "hey... I got papers to PROVE IT..."... lol...

and whenever I go to a doctor's office, which is hardly ever now... I always write in the blank where it asks what PRE-EXISTING MEDICAL CONDITIONS I HAVE... I WRITE IN...

I'M CRAZY AS HELL!

LOL...

Look, it's not funny having mental illness... But the key to surviving is simple... YOU DO NOT STOP...
YOU KEEP GOING NO MATTER WHAT... NO MATTER WHAT... YOU KEEP GOING...

I've seen death several times in my life... too many to count... and each time I say the same thing...

I'M NOT GOING... GET IT BUD... I'M NOT GOING... NOT NOW... I'M NOT GOING... I'M NOT GOING... I'M NOT GOING... I'M NOT GOING... I WILL FINISH IT... I WILL FINISH...NO MATTER WHAT I'M NOT GOING... AND I WILL FINISH IT...

There are no easy answers... ok... none... when you are mentally ill, you are on a razor blade that is so thin that you can get out of breath just trying to keep standing... but you have to keep going... and you have to KNOW that there are people in the world LIKE ME...

WHO WILL LOVE YOU ... EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T KNOW YOU... WE WILL LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF HEARTS AND OUR VERY SOULS... MORE THAN ANY WORDS WILL EVER EXPRESS...

Over the years I've made more than a total jerk out of myself with the anger and the rage I have dealt with and suffer from.. but one thing has always been true.. and remains true now and shall remain so beyond my own death...

I shall always love those who are lost in the dark hallway... and while they may think that they can't see their way out... I CAN ALWAYS SEE THEM...AND I GOT MATCHES...

so if you are lost and alone... hey... just take my hand... I got matches... and I'll light a damn candle and we'll walk out of this hallway together...OK..?

Don't give up.. and don't give in...

If my life has meant anything... then let it mean THIS...

I AM AN INSTRUMENT OF GOD'S WILL HERE ON EARTH...AND I AM AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN...

A FRIEND TO MAN... (meaning all life... male, female, little children... animals... all life...)

And... while most won't tell you this today, or hardly ever...

I LOVE YOU... OK... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS...

Stand up and be proud of what you are... The winds may blow hard... but you have a friend... in me... always... no matter where and no matter what... I shall NOT desert you...

Love always,

Mickey
Posted by Nicole "Mickey" Maschke at 3:53 AM