Partnership for an Idiot-Free America

In yet another staggering display of infuriating ineptitude, The Evil One managed to tap dance around the issue of global warming today by feigning interest and offering a hollow, non-commitment-commitment to the rising crisis.

"So my proposal is this: By the end of next year, America and other nations will set a long-term global goal for reducing greenhouse gases. To develop this goal, the United States will convene a series of meetings of nations that produce the most greenhouse gases, including nations with rapidly growing economies like India and China.

"Each country would establish midterm management targets and programs that reflect their own mix of energy sources and future energy needs," he said. "In the course of the next 18 months, our nations will bring together industry leaders from different sectors of our economies, such as power generation, and alternative fuels and transportation."

OK, so by December 30th, 2008, Bush plans to set a long-term goal for reducing greenhouse gases? Where do I even start?!

Forget about the fact that Bush will be halfway out the door of 1600 Penn Avenue by then, why in God's name would anybody believe this fucking idiot? Look at all this frigging time he's squandered refusing to participate in the Kyoto Protocol and the G8 proposal calling for an increase in global temperatures of no more than 2 degrees Celsius after Kyoto's period runs out in 2012!

It's unfathomable how, despite concrete evidence from scientists around the world, Bush has done NOTHING to serve the environment. There was that miserable cherade of the Clear Skies Act, but we all know that was and is a massive load of horse-shit. Then there was the mess surrounding the approval to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (got kiboshed, thankfully). The list just fucking goes on..and on..and on.

For someone as Evangelical and 'God Fearin' as this loathsome asshole says he is, I'm shocked that he wouldn't be out there blazing the trail to show other countries that reducing emissions can bolster both national and local economies by creating new industries, new jobs, and invite new tax relief--all while helping sustain this pretty planet. Why the fuck wouldn't you want to do that? Isn't shepherding flocks what those loonies love to do? I mean, come on. If fucking Brazil could do it? Jesus Christ on a recycled Popsicle stick!

As far as my eye can see, all this fuck-wad is doing is dodging having to do anything until such time as he can run like hell back to Crawford, TX and start taking cold cash for speaking engagements at Liberty University.

All I know is that when this planet is frying like bacon, I'm gonna grab that pig by his white collar, throw him on a spit and feed his slow-roasted ass to what's left of the polar bears.

What a douche-bag.

One week after the testimony of former Department of Justice (DOJ) aide, Monica Goodling, revealed that "hiring practices were improperly tainted by politics," our good friends at the DOJ have finally seen fit to perhaps, uh, investigate said practices.

I mean, why have checks-and-balances in place when we can all just sit around and wait until the entire fabric of democracy-as-we-know-it shreds into a dubious, fascist state? Let's just see if we can't, you know, slip America this mickey and hope no one notices...

The alarming part of all of this is most Americans seem caught unawares that they have been guzzling GHB-tainted milk straight from their mother's teet and further that the foundation for the "system" they are taking for granted is slowly being replaced by quicksand.

How can we expect our citizens to wake up if they don't even know they are asleep? We are a country, not malnourished of information, but malnourished in the ways information is communicated and we need to just face it. Broad-brushed sound-bites with complicated journalist-speak don't translate to Joey-Joe-Joe-Junior-Shavadu down the street who is busy mowing his lawn and trying to put food on his family.

In case you haven't noticed, The Evil One happens to be very talented at telling lies in laymans' terms and THIS is one of the big reasons we are in such deep shit right now. He would not have gotten this far, with all the scandals and all the botched jobs at trying to govern, if he wasn't charismatic and able to talk to people in their language.

Every newspaper man knows that if you want to reach the vast majority of people, you daren't pose your prose at a greater than 8th-grade reading level, 6th if you're really serious. As part of the Resitance we have got to figure out better mechanisms to tell and teach people what is really going on in a way that doesn't alienate them.

Put it this way, a slick-tongued-hillbilly with a C average and a track record of utter and absolute failures has the undying ear of still-too-many Americans. If we are going to expect more of friends and neighbors, we had better damn get off the big rock candy mountain, roll up our sleeves and have a metaphorical beer with these folks. If we don't, I can guarantee we are doomed to more of the same. I, for one, don't think I could take it.

Pass the suds please.

So one of my favorite websites evah, WeirdNJ.com, has FINALLY paid tribute to my hometown of Lyndhurst, New Jersey by way of Woo-Woo, The Siren Boy.

The breadth of talent that stems from that particular location on this-here planet is staggering. And if you catch yourself thinking, "Now I get why that bloggity-big-mouth is so fucking sweet," well...let's just say, I'm not going to argue with you.

Without further adieu, I present Woo-Woo, The Siren Boy:

For me, watching the news about Jerry Falwell kicking the bucket was like watching a horror movie. I covered my eyes and clenched my buttocks in anticipation of the ass-fuck every scary movie worth-its-salt gives you at the end. You know what I'm talking about...the final scene where you convince yourself all the bloodshed and terror is finally over--your heroine is all battered yet somehow remains standing. She's walking around in a relieved, foggy stupor when out of nowhere, BAM!, fucking Jason jumps out of Crystal Lake, right onto your fool-ass lap and makes you shit yourself.

Anyone frightened by Falwell who also knows the legend of the Lernaean Hydra can understand my anxiety at his passing. Ultimately killed by Heracles as one of his Twelve Labours, the hydra was a noxious, multi-headed serpentine character with both poisonous blood and breath. It fed on villagers and their cattle and generally made living a communal life miserable. Any attempt to kill the beast was thwarted because, not only did decapitated heads regenerate two and three-fold, one particular head could not be subdued, no manner the weapon.

Ultimately, the Hydra was brought down, in part, by a firebrand used to cauterize the bloody, decapitated, neck-stumps. And what of that one, wayward head that could not be severed? Heracles ripped it off with his bare hands and buried it under a rock. Badass mother, that dude.

Anyway, what the hell does any of this have to do with Falwell you ask? It does, kiddies, because Hydra de Evangelicles done went and got one of it's fucking heads lobbed off and we need to take careful note of what (or who) will spring up in its place. I fear glossier, more marketable, higher-speed versions of the 2.0 cousin coming in the form of these right-wing-fundy-pscyhos, patiently lying-in-wait to take the helm:

Rev. Frank S. Page
Rev. Rick Warren
Rev. William Hybels
Rev. Joel Hunter

Now, I will be first to admit that I know very little about these men, other than that they are perceived as players in this frightening game of musical altars. Some of them appear to have some sense on dealing with the environment, though through all of my reading, I'm still pretty sure they want daughters raped by fathers to keep the baby and that folks who appear to have been tainted by the devil and want to marry same-sex partners in order to get their slice of ye ol' American Pie be damned. I bet too that if you got them good and drunk they might offer still that a woman's place is in the home and that we may have been better off without the civil rights movement. I'm just sayin'.

So what's gonna happen to the mega-evangelical movement? Either a) There are going to be so many voices trying to run the Christian-right-ass-parade that they take some of the wind out of their own sails and into a more comfortable level of obscurity; or b) Some radical hell-raiser will rise from the wounded beast and stake claim to try and get your kids to believe that some foliage-lusting tart ate an apple one day and ruined it for everybody. Believe it or be damned.

I guess all we can do is wait and see what happens. The way I figure it, these guys are like cockroaches and we may be better off (sooner rather than later) finding ourselves a willing hulk, a hot stick and a mighty-boulder-of-perpetuity(tm). En guarde fellow heathens!!!

Is it just me, or did anyone else want to punch this ass-happy mud scupper in his shriveled, gold-dipped, diamond-tipped excuse for a scrotum last week on "America Idol Gives Back?"

Can we just start with the obvious, please?

George Dubbs and his Stepford wife ACTUALLY had the audacity to come on national television and THANK people for contributing to the HEALTHCARE and FOOD DONATIONS for the child-victims of hurricane Katrina!!???

Ummm, pardon me for saying so; but ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING KIDDING ME? HE is thanking US for ponying up our hard-earned money in THIS economy to help alieviate a modicum of the devestation this 'great nation' should have dealth with .0000001 second after the hurrican hit?

Oh. my. fucking. god.

Curious how he failed to mention the policies, reinforcements, aid and effort his evil empire had been tirelessly masterminding since that fateful moment almost TWO YEARS AGO?! You know why? Because this metaphorical ass-rapist gave all your tax money to kill 600,000+ innocent Iraqi civilians. Sorry, New Orleans, we're busy, can you call back later?

Next load of horseshit? If Idol was so fucking concerned about New Orleans and the blight in Africa, howza-come they didn't bother to make a donation on behalf of the show? They got INSANE money from sponsors, not to mention the obnoxious oodles they've made over the last six years and how much of that went to the Katrina kitty? Uh, none. No money, but fuck me if they're not taking credit for your $70,000,000! That takes balls, not heart my friends.

And let's chat for just a second about the corporate donors. I don't know about you, but you know, if I was a CEO with a HUGE company and lots and lots of profit and the assurance of a mega-tax-break, I might have considered actually donating the money...TWO YEARS AGO, on my own, so I wouldn't look like an asshole trying to raise the value of my stockshares on a soul-sucking TV program feigning a charitable spirit. This is their effort for doing good as a global and local citizen? That's punk-ass and they should be ashamed of themselves!

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy SOMETIHNG is being done for the good people in New Orleans (and Africa), but it just seems a little hinky to me that our gooberment is relying on US (on top of all we contribute financially to run this wacky show) to save the day. Makes you wonder, where IS all our money going? It sure as shit ain't to the poor.

Seacrest Out!

And of course, my reaction?

Ahhh, I love Hollywood.