Partnership for an Idiot-Free America

So I was sitting here petting Claude-the-kitty when all of a sudden it occurred to me--liberal Americans are like cats being held captive by a bunch of fucking fish people.

No matter how much we meow; no matter how overfilled our litter box; or under-filled our food bowl; no matter how many of us need homes; and no matter how often we push our little faces into the hand of the fish people lookin' for love, they just don't seem to give a shit.

We didn't want fish people, Bitch! We didn't VOTE for fish people. We wanted some mother fuckin' CAT PEOPLE, MOTHER FUCKERS!

The sad..the pathetic...ne, the ass-fuck-sans-lube-reality is, neocons fish people just want to toss a couple of flakes of fake food into a tub then go about their selfish business while their electorates dependents fill their bellies worth of shit and swish miserably in their own fecal matter. Fish people don't want to hear anybody bitching about going hungry, or living in squalor or not being able to get their purr on.

In the end, neocons fish people just want to be able to say they have a pet-- you know, cuz it like shows they care about something other than themselves. They LIVE for people to come over and say, "Oh what pretty fish," promptly followed by "My golf-cart or yours?"

I swear to god, the next time I see a fucking fish , I'm gonna fucking EAT IT! And not for any other reason than to piss off the neocons.

...Fucking fish people can suck it.

I loathe to admit I'm an Idol watcher. It may make me an insipid little corporately-sponsored lamby-pie in a flock of fucktards, but I can't help it. I'm a train-wreck addict.

Don't get me wrong, I like success. I like having it, and I like watching good people achieve it, but really let's be honest. Watching Simon go after a punk performance is like a watching nurse Ratched gut a Spanish mackerel--sadistic, emotionally detached, and violently amusing.

Which brings me into this unchartered quandary. What do you do when a contestant is so consistently bad even Simon has surrendered his Ginsus?

Sanjaya Malakar is a disaster. He's a nice enough kid. I can't even blame him for sticking around...to a point. I'd even venture to say he's got some talent, if only he'd grow a pair and use it.

However; the reality is, Sanjaya's a twerp whose popularity is being sustained by a bunch of 13 year-old girls who are happily experimenting with their privates. Add to that the contingent of Anti-Idol voters, and Howard Stern's readily-influenced flock and we've got ourselves a fine theater of the absurd. It's the Gong Show sans gong! It's performance purgatory!

And there, there is my quandary. How long can you sit around and wait for a train to wreck before your ass gets too tired and your bladder begins to quiver?

I gotta tell yah, while I've got one hand negotiating the remote, the other is off crafting a mighty fine mitt of Angel Soft...